Ditching the Boss

Hmm. How do I learn to let go?

Hello, I'm Allison and I am a control freak.

As a kid this was manifest in what my parents called "bossy".  I bossed everyone. My sister. My friends. My parents. My pet. Even my senior year English teacher.

Sometimes my sister tells me things now that I told her when I was younger that make absolutely no sense and I think to myself "wow that was definitely a bossy moment".

In my older years it's turning out I'm getting better at not bossing other people (for the most part) but I can't let go of that sense of control. I wont just let a situation go by that instead can be manipulated into some preconceived idea. I've started bossing myself.

I had this realization yesterday that I just hate to be upset. When I feel upset I rationalize the hell out of why I feel this way to get over it as soon as possible. I feel sad because he said something mean to me. I feel annoyed because this situation is not going as planned. I feel worried because I don't know what is going to happen. I'm starting to grasp for control by bossing myself into rationalizing certain feelings.

Any person who has ever spent time learning about buddhism or mediation know that this labeling is what Buddha called "attachment". Instead of feeling something for what it is in the moment we like to label the feeling or give it a reason for existing. This leads to some pretty deep pain. If only instead I could just let myself feel the feeling for however long it is there and move on. This includes not obsessing about it later or bringing it back up in particularly low moments.

I know now that this is something I really need to spend some time embracing. I would like to say "I'll work on it" but that's exactly the bossy self I'm trying to let go of.

This is my invitation to you, as the buzz of the New Year starts to wane to think about what you're going to let go of in 2014. I'd love to hear about it below.