Thoughts on Monogamy

Last week I listened to an interview on one of my guilty pleasure podcasts, Sex With Emily, with writer and gay adult film actor Conner Habib who made the claim that monogamy in the gay community is impossible and almost impossible for heterosexual people as well. I was immediately curious and somewhat offended by his assertion. I got the feeling he was saying that I wasn't being realistic by wanting and enjoying being in long-term, committed relationships. I immediately felt I needed to explore this further.

The point he made that most stood out was when he said "straight people don't really love monogamy it's torturous in a lot of ways but the social structure keeps it in place." My automatic reaction was to think of the many (albeit unsexy) benefits of being in a relationship; having someone who is willing to make an effort to understand you, relying on someone to support you and make decisions with, not to mention the comfort and economic security of building your life with another person. I want all of these things. 

The more I started thinking about it the more I wonder if my reasons for being in a monogamous relationship are purely to serve my self interest. It's generally expected that the person you're in a relationship with will share similar interests, goals and personality traits but aside from that the why of it gets a little fuzzy. Do we ever get into relationships to make the other person's life better or do we do it purely for our own benefit?

I am here to make the counter argument that there are always two ways of approaching any aspect of our life: career, hobbies, relationships.  On one hand there is the self interested, what will this get me? way, and on the other we have the spiritual, how can I best serve the world, way. I am always in the process of seeking the later. My ultimate goal is to live the least self-interested life I can, so I chose to value relationships this way.

Monogamous relationships are work. It takes sacrifice, willingness to merge your life with another's, honesty, trust, patience and dedication to commit for the long haul. But, if instead of asking what we can get out of it, we  take the time to figure out what we can contribute to the relationship I don't think being committed has to be torturous. When we take pride in the fact that we are giving the most we can to improving another person's life through building a life with them, we gain satisfaction by what we are giving rather than what we are receiving. 

Disclaimer- This isn't to say that we should stay in a relationship that is dangerous or unfulfilling  but rather that once we decide that we have common interests and life goals, embarking on the path of building a relationship can be so very worth it.