On convictions, being judged, and making Big-Life-Choices

Or alternatively I'm going to grad school!

I don't remember exactly when I decided I was going to attend this particular school (California Institute of Integral Studies) for a program (Masters in Integral Counseling Psychology) I had absolutely no background in. It might have been about a year into working at a law firm and about 3 months after I had decided becoming a lawyer was not in the cards for me. I remember reading the course outline feeling intrigued by the types of classes that were being offered. I remember wondering what it would be like to combine academic study and self exploration. Then I forgot all about it. For two years I pushed the idea of grad school to the very furthest corner of my mind and did nothing about it.

Last fall the idea came up again and wouldn't go away. I tried to push it away for not being a good time. For not adventuring enough before hunkering down to complete a three year program. For not having saved enough money. For not having done enough research to see if this was really the life path I wanted to take. As much as I tired to engage with these ideas, a strong part of me knew there would never be a better time. That this path was, for lack of a better word, my destiny.

I went through a period of extreme self doubt. While writing my application I wondered if my story was compelling and convincing enough to let a non-Psychology major in. After the in person interview I was entirely convinced I had made a fool of myself and had no hope whatsoever. It came as a shock, the day before my birthday when I found out I got in. First shock, then relief, then the a brief burst of shame for not believing in myself all along.

I learned during this process that I shy away from my convictions when tested. Before applying I was 100% sure I would get in. After pressing submit on my application I was about 85% sure I wouldn't. I admit pure fear derailed me. I lost all confidence the moment the application was out of my hands. I was afraid of being judged and I was afraid of disappointing myself.

I know this is no way to live. I know shying away from my strongly held passions and beliefs is a cop out. It gives me the option to feel small and powerless. It's time to move past living with this option. I am ready to stand by my feelings even if that ultimately leads to disappointment. When I think back all of the biggest choices I've made have come from this place of passionate dedication. I have never second guessed myself out of something that started from that place, especially when someone else's opinion came into play. I am ashamed to admit that abandoned my self confidence during the process of getting into school. So, with this bit of self reflection I am looking forward to taking this lesson with me as I embark on my 3 year adventure of learning and growing.